Captain Beefheart

Captain Beefheart 
Captain Beefheart Unconditionally Guaranteed Mercury 1-709.

Who the fuck is Andy DiMartino and why is he determined to make mush of Captain Beefheart's magnetic mind? Martino co-wrote, arranged, and produced the Captain's latest audicular, Unconditionally Guaranteed, and I'd be real relieved to be able to pin this travesty on him. Or Mercury Records. I mean, who have they got besides the New York Dolls and Uriah Heep? And if you hasten to add fading superstar Rod Stewart, I'll gladly remind you of the presence of Xavier Cugat and his chihuahua (special thanks to the Michigan Humane Society and the American Kennel Club for that spelling) Pudding. Not to mention their uniformly shipsinking artwork, perennial laughingstock of the industry. Artists are forever having Mercury, why did the Captain and the Magic Band go there to bake and serve their latest biscuit? I know, though, that it's futile to look askance. That ultimately the flying finger of fate must point to and rest on the old BeeFart himself.
The decline of his music began after the release of the monolithic Trout Mask Replica in 1969. Trout Mask was four sides of dense, insect music("Ant Man Bee") and lyrics as fascinating and decipherable as the Rosetta Stone ("Hobo Chang Ba, Ella Guru").His guitar was surely gonna kill yer momma and you had to be mighty circumspect yourself. Produced by Frank 'No Commercial Potential" Zappa for his own Straight/Bizarre Records which also brought us Wild Man Fischer, Tim Buckley, and the G.T.O.'s. Strictly uncompromising stuff.
Well, time passes and Lick My Decals Off arrived, smaller but cleaner. A hair, make it two, more accessible than T.M.R. Back in '72 the Captain graced us with The Spotlight Kid which is my favorite of his and is, I believe, among other things the best blues album released that year. It featured great, soulful vocals, lyrics of matchless poetry, hair-raising solos, ensemble work as tight as Siamese twins, and rock and roll rhythms to make you writhe in ecstasy. Most importantly, it combined advanced musical ideas and teen appeal. The group was, for the first time, successfully reaching out.
Clear Spot was much like Kid save several only slightly disturbing anomalies including "Too Much Time" and "Her Eyes Are A Blue Million Miles". Seems the Captain awoke one morning and found himself Otis Redding. A dazzling transfiguration but I reckoned I'd go to the original when I wanted and meantime skipped over those cuts. Unfortunately what began as something you hoped was a passing quirk has developed on Unconditionally Guaranteed to a discful of downers. In fact, "Lazy Music" is a limp hymn in praise of just that non-kinetic mentality: "Lazy music's got me laying back and laying down." Me too and that's the heart of this spiny artichoke. Tempos are uniformly sluggish and unvarying. The lyrics are uninspired. And the mix is homogenized, compressed to cardboard consistency and width. And on top of everything else, you only get 31 minutes of music for your $5 bill. Who can figure it out?
Maybe the story is told by the picture on the back cover. It's the Captain with a look of utter blankness on his screen. Or it might be he's merely transfixed by a vision of that gleaming dollar sign in the sky. Is that Unconditional Guarantee he's talking about meant to guarantee him big bucks and mass popularity after years of relative obscurity and great music? Could this be the ultimate compromise? Maybe, maybe not. Anyway keep your money in your pocket and your fingers crossed and wait for his next. But don't hold your breath.

--Bill Adler