Some American Presidents

Grant, Hayes, Garfield, Arthur, Cleveland rowed the long boat up to Headquarters under the cloudy moonlight. Wanikano Bay sat peaceful in the darkness and the men climbed from the boat and stepped up on the dock. From his heavy overcoat Grant retrieved a paper. Chester Arthur lit his Zippo and the men gathered close together like Arabs and look at the paper. Then it was put away and they walked noisily along the wooden dock to Headquarters.
"You're late!" announced the Queen. She was on a throne. She was wearing a rubber wet suit. She had long red fingernails and eight inch high-heels. Two homosexuals wore cowboy outfits at her side.
"What was it this time!?"
"Your majesty," said Garfield bowing graciously, " please pardon our tardiness. We were some time in finding the requested material."
"Well," barked the Queen, "do you have it?"
Grant opened his coat.
"We certainly do," he said handing the Queen the paper.
It was a map. It was not a map of Tibet or Siam or Gibralter. It was a map of the Dent-O-Flake Toothpaste Factory.
"Wonderful," breathed the Queen looking at the map. "This is simply wonderful. Good work. Very good work.Boys," she said to the homosexuals at her side, see to it the Presidents are taken to their respective rooms. They deserve whatever they wish tonight."
Homosexuals escort men away as Queen slips out of wet suit before a long mirror.
U. S. Grant is taken to a stark white cubicle furnished with oak table and a military chair. He is wearing general's uniform and in the background men are heard dying and horses' heads are cut off.
"A little whiskey," he slobbers from the side of his mouth and a naked girl brings it to him. U. Grant drinks the whiskey and then has the girl lay across the table. He draws a map on her stomach. The girls arching her head up trying to watch. Grant insert a small gold pistol inside the girl's vagina and pulls the trigger...
Hayes was taken to a drug store.
"Rutherford B. Hayes,eh?" asked the druggist over the top of his glasses. "And you want some Aspirgum?"
"I have a sore throat, sir. I went toboganning with Freddie Hawkins and Billy Fremont yesterday and now I got a sore throat."
Garfield went to Disneyland. He rode on the Jungle River Cruise & the Pirates of the Caribbean. On the Jungle River Cruise Garfield got his sleeve wet when the driver went too close to a little waterfall. He bought some popcorn and thought everything was fine & went to the Early American Store and listened to a old time phone conversation. Then, as he was leaving Disneyland, a disgruntled officer seeker named Guiteau sold the unwary man an ear of corn. It exploded in the car killing the President and four other vegetable - Squash, Rhubarb and Watermelon.
Chester Arthur. Chester Arthur exposed himself in a Washington D. C. park. The paper men still stabbed at cups and envelopes lying on the grass. A girl sat down next to the President. Birds flew around and the grass was green.
The girl was kneeling in front of the bench sucking off Chester A. Arthur, 1830-1886, twenty-fifth President of the United States, like she never blowed a guy before.
Cleveland. Grover Cleveland drank a cup of coffee. Then he exploded.

Bill Hutton's History of America was published by the Coach House Press, Toronto/Detroit. Copyright © 1968 by Bill Hutton.