The Father Of Our Country

George Washington you stupid SOB! You scarfaced pederast! You Betsy Ross fucking, land owning, slave owning distorted over and over again, referred to since birth as a man of infinite goodness and courage. . . Great Iron Jawed Pot Head! George, George if you could see what's happening here now. The Fugs are out in the street and Taco stands are going up all around us and our country is engaged in yet another war. What are we to do oh great one. as castles fall down around us? We don't want to have to cross the Appalachians again. Our economy is falling apart. George, give us some reassurance that next year thinqs will be all right.

Behind a Shell Oil Co. scallop shell the image appears. George Washington! Resurrected! He's dressed in sheer nightshirt and it s possible to see bulging sex organs beneath it.

"I have come to save all ya," he calls in raspy gargle to sell out crowd at Dodger Stadium, men in shirt sleeves with bottles of orange pop in their hands, women fanning their faces with programs, children crawling blood worms around railings. "There's troubles in these times and I got just what the doctor ordered! Greasy flies buzz incessant around the speaker's head and he swats at them with boney fist. "You got your wars. And you got your niggers riot through the street -- Gettysburg, or some Goddamn place like that. Well,"he reaches into worn out leather satchel and brings out a bottle of green liquid, "this s what l've come back for- Smith'sTonic!"

Immediate millions of boos and hisses rent the air and George Washington takes momentary refuge as a deluge of junk falls around him. Hesitantly he reappears and continúes his talk.

"Now don't be upset goddamnit! This shit works. I guarantee it works. Just cool it and let me give my spiel."

"Friends, are you bothered about doubts? Does the news of your son's death who had all the promise, leave you depressed? Does the thought of an atomic holocaust keep you in your cellar while others are out at the lake? If these things bother you, if anything bothers you, reach for the bottle with the American Flag on the front -- Smith's cure-all tonic. It's a revolutionary new concoction from Joe's Drug Outlet and has a minty taste that kids will love. Grown-ups love it too. So do dogs and cats and armadillos if you have any. So, forget about our country." George Washington reaches beneath his nightshirt and slowly starts to masturbate. "Take this shit in the morning. Take t at night. Watch nightmares disappear...

In a fit of uncontrolled passion he rips the nightshirt away from his body and masturbates with both hands, saliva and blood dripping from his mouth as his old pearly eyes search the area for Nathan Hale, Benedict Arnold, Patrick Henry & George Rodgers Clark. He is up on the scallop shell, spot lights illuminate his pearly white frenzied body, as white attendants appear with a straight jacket and drag the first President of the United States away.